How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?
Forgiveness is a decision before it is a feeling. What Scripture says about the slow, real work of letting a wrong go.
Biblically, forgiveness begins as a decision to release the debt — “forbearing one another, and forgiving one another” (Colossians 3:13) — made in prayer and often remade daily. It does not require pretending the hurt was small, and it hands justice to God rather than abandoning it: “Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19).
Start where the hurt is honest
The Bible never asks you to minimise a wrong in order to forgive it. The Psalms are full of injuries named out loud to God before anything else happens. Forgiveness that skips truth is only suppression. Scripture’s pattern is: bring the wound to God first, in full — then, from that safer place, begin the release.
Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.
“Pour out your heart before him” — the appointed place for what the hurt actually feels like.
Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.
Release the debt, hand over the justice
To forgive is to stop personally collecting what you are owed — not to declare that nothing is owed. Paul’s words in Romans 12 make this explicit: give place unto wrath, because vengeance belongs to God. Forgiveness is not the alternative to justice; it is trusting a better judge with it. That is why it becomes possible even when the other person never apologises.
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
The final move: not merely ceasing fire, but overcoming evil with active good.
Expect it to take repetition
Jesus’ “seventy times seven” covers not only many offences but the same offence remembered many times. Most forgiveness is re-forgiveness: the memory returns, and the release is chosen again. Praying for the person — Jesus’ own instruction regarding enemies — is the practice that slowly changes the feeling to match the decision.
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Quick answers
- Do I have to forgive if they never apologise?
- Yes — biblical forgiveness is commanded without that condition (Mark 11:25), because it primarily happens between you and God. Reconciliation, by contrast, takes two, and may not always be possible or safe.
- Does forgiving mean staying in a harmful situation?
- No. You can fully release someone before God and still keep wise boundaries. Scripture commends peace “as much as lieth in you” (Romans 12:18) while never requiring you to enable ongoing harm.
- What if I don't feel like I've forgiven them?
- Feelings lag decisions. Each time the memory stings, the release can be chosen again — that repetition is not failure but exactly what “seventy times seven” describes.
